Thursday, June 5, 2014

Seagram's Escapes Review

In case you haven't ventured into your local Walmart lately, I'm here to inform you that they have alcohol. Cheap alcohol. Cheap, embarrassing alcohol.

All the Seagram's Escape flavors lined up

Yes, that's right, the Seagram's Escapes collection has taken store shelves by storm, offering a summery beverage option in a variety of girly colors sure to tickle the fancy of just about anyone without testicles. Since we've already established I like girly drinks, clearly, I had to give these a whirl, and what better excuse to get moderately buzzed on a weeknight than the internet? (I'm a food blogger; I have to review these. I can't let the internet down!)

You should be able to find these suckers at your local grocery store, and maybe even at the gas station. I wouldn't know because I just about ran into the gigantic display when I walked through the Walmart doors. If you don't happen to have a behemoth booze stand at the front of your Walmart, check the beer aisle. Even if the bins are emptied (because of the super-high demand for super-girly beverages) they might offer these in a make-your-own-sixpack option. I give you all of this information to say that I spend way too much time in Walmart.

These feminine beverages can be split into two different categories: the super-duper girly section....

Seagram's Escapes Black Cherry, Wild Berry, and Jamaican Me Happy

....and the slightly-less-girly-but-still-girly section:

Seagram's Escapes Bahama Mama, Classic Lime Margarita, and Fuzzy Peach Navel

Despite the fact that these are technically considered "beers," there is no way anyone with a Y chromosome will drink these. You might be able to convince a dude to take a swig out of one of the slighty-less-girly bottles, but you can forget about the Barbie-infused bottles. If, by chance, your man is the exception to this rule, please send pictures so we can all mock him together. (This information is not entirely on for more details.)

After much tasting, I assigned each of these beverages a rating on a scale of 1-5. We will call this rating system the "Half Ass Score" and I will happily augment this post with a visual aid just as soon as I can get someone to draw me a picture of half a butt. (Preferably not with a plumber attached.)

Bottle of Seagram's Escapes Wild Berry Flavored Malt Beverage

The Wild Berries flavor (which made a cameo in this post) had a well-rounded fruity flavor without focusing on any one berry in particular. I actually ended up liking this one more than I expected and awarded it 4 out of 5 Half Asses.

Bottle of Seagram's Escapes Black Cherry Flavored Malt Beverage

The Black Cherry flavor was equally tasty, but it couldn't meet the bar set by Mike's Hard Black Cherry Lemonade, so its score was bumped down to a 3.5 out of 5 Half Asses.

Bottle of Seagram's Escapes Orange and Pineapple Flavored Malt Beverage

Next up is the Bahama Mama flavor. I've never had a Bahama Mama and had no idea what was in a Bahama Mama until I Googled it about ten seconds ago. Turns out it's rum and Kahlua and coconut, which is not what this orange-and-pineapple drink claims to be. It tasted okay, but it wasn't anything all that fantastic and it definitely didn't taste like Kahlua, so this gets 2/5 Half Asses.

Bottle of Seagram's Escapes Fuzzy Peach Navel Flavored Malt Beverage

The Fuzzy Peach Navel was disgusting. It was syrupy, had an artificial flavor, and was probably more unpleasant that eating a peach out of an actual fuzzy navel. I'm giving it 1 Half Ass, but even that's a stretch.

Bottle of Seagram's Escapes Wild Berry Flavored Malt Beverage

My favorite was the Classic Lime Margarita. I was expecting this to have an overpowering fake-tequila taste, but it didn't. Like, at all. It was sweet and limey and amazing. I actually went back to the store and bought more of these because they were so tasty. They've earned 4.5 of 5 Half Asses.

Bottle of Seagram's Escapes Watermelon and Guava Flavored Malt Beverage

That leaves us with one more flavor--the baby pink bottle of Jamaican Me Happy. Now, watermelon and I shared an unfortunate incident during my childhood, and two sips into this I couldn't take it anymore so I passed it off to my resident taste tester: my manly construction worker roommate. Not only did he drink it without protest, but he finished the entire bottle and gave it 4/5 Half Asses. His guy card has since been revoked and he has become the laughingstock of the construction site. (I really tried to make a shrinking manhood joke here, but I didn't have the balls.)

All the Seagram's Escapes flavors in a a line

All in all, the Seagram's Escapes line is more drinkable than expected and at a dollar a bottle,  I highly recommend trying the ones that strike your fancy.


  1. Replies
    1. Who doesn't???? These are really good--you should give them a try!

  2. Thank seagrams! Jamaican me happy is the best drink I've ever tasted. It sparkles in my mouth and makes me dance like I'm at a seagrams wedding. Huzzah!