Monday, March 31, 2014

Half Assed April Fools Day Pranks: 5 Pranks for the Kitchen

April Fools day is tomorrow, and I am happy to inform you that I have spent the last month conniving against my roommate and can now share with you the dastardly ways I'm planning to destroy my kitchen for the sake of April 1st.

1. Googly Eyes in the Fridge

Perhaps you've heard of this little thing called Pinterest where people post pictures of very fattening food, very skinny women, and googly eyes on their milk carton. If you haven't, you need to get with it (and follow me)! You also need to put googly eyes on everything in your fridge, because that's not unnerving at all.

2. Rubber Band on the Sink

My little brother actually ruined this one, but the idea is that you wrap a rubber band around the spray nozzle so that when your victim turns on the sink they get a face full of water.

3. Turn it Up

Every morning my roommate turns on the news/oldies station really quiet in the background. My plan is to switch the stereo to the Top 40 station, crank the volume and up the bass so he gets blasted when he turns it on.

4. Coffee Gone Rogue

My roommate drinks this microwaveable instant pseudo-coffee stuff. I'm swapping it out for real coffee, so he can stir and stir and stir and it will never dissolve. (I'm not completely evil, though, I'll put the old stuff in the cabinet so he can find it.)

5.Old News
I saved a week-old paper and plan to pull a switcheroo on the internal pages. The front page will be current, the inner pages will all be old news.

What's the best April Fool's Day prank you ever pulled? Tell me in the comments!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Easter M&Ms Review: Carrot Cake and Peanut Butter Eggs

So, apparently peanut butter M&Ms are a thing.

I did not know about this.

I also did not know that M&Ms now come in sizes. No, not just different sized bags, but different sizes. You can buy giant bags of M&Ms in minis, regulars, and jumbos. I was unaware there was a large demand for various M&M sizes, but evidently I was wrong.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Thursday, March 20, 2014

A Handful of Everything Trail Mix and LIES!

A while back I was in Target and they had trail mix on sale so I picked up a bag and thought, "hey, this'll be great for a snarky exposé on how Target lies about putting 'everything' in an 11oz bag of trail mix."

Then I got it home and sorted it out (because that's the way you're supposed to eat trail mix) and decided to scrap the whole 'everything' thing and do a snarky exposé on how Target lies about having a 'handful' of everything in the bag.

Monday, March 17, 2014

The F-Bomb Cake (Reader Discretion Advised)

I hate cake.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.


Still not sinking in?

I freaking HATE CAKE.

Except that while I was making it I didn't say freaking.

I said fuck. A lot.

It started, innocently enough, on Wednesday morning at 11am. I needed a three layer cake and I had a recipe for a two layer cake. My genius solution was to double the recipe and have an extra layer of free cake.

Seems reasonable, right?

Ha ha ha.


Some kind of crazy cake chemistry happened when I doubled the recipe and the first two cakes were mushy in the middle and wouldn't come out of the pans and the third cake came out just fine but tasted like crap, so I threw away all three cakes and the batter for the fourth cake because, hey, I could just make more cake.

At this point I wasn't too worried, being only at the "damn" stage of baking, not the "fuck" stage.

I started over, with a single batch this time. I measured and mixed and poured and baked and took them out of the oven. The cakes didn't come out of the pans. I threw them away.

I think it was right around here that I dropped my first F-bomb of the experience, but whatever, no big deal, I could just bake more cakes.

(Deja vu, anyone?)

So I measured and mixed and poured and baked and took out of the oven. These ones came out. These glorious hunks of chocolatey cakeness slid right out of the pans and onto the cooling rack.

I rejoiced, washed the pans, and started over again.

To recap, at this point in the process I had two cakes sitting pretty on my kitchen counter and had six others down my garbage disposal. The sewer rats were having a banquet and I'd only said fuck once.

Happy it was finally my last batch of cake batter, I measured and mixed and poured and baked one more time. I took the cakes out of the oven and the fucking bastards were glued to the pans like they thought their lives depended on it.

At this point I started ripping the cake out of the pans in giant chunks and yelling fuck every twenty seconds because I was fucking frustrated.

My roommate told me to salvage as much cake as I could and stick it all together with frosting.

I told my roommate to go to hell.

Then I made some more fucking cake.

I measured (fuck) and mixed (fuck) and poured (fuck) and baked (fuck). I took the fucking asshole cakes out of the fucking oven and said fuck a few more times for good measure.

Now, I don't know what majestic cake fairy blessed these particular cakes, but finally, finally, the cakes glided out of their pans and I had four layers of beautiful gorgeous chocolate cake sitting on my counter.

I hate cake.

At this point I had all four layers of cake cooling on my counter (after a mere nine hours) and I decided I deserved some fucking tequila. I downed four shots (one for each fucking cake) and did some very bad singing in the shower, because, apparently, that's what I do when I'm tipsy on a Wednesday night.

On Thursday morning, after my tequila therapy, I got to start the cake process all over again to make the decorations.

I started by melting the chocolate in my ghetto-rigged double boiler.

Then I spread the chocolate out on some plastic wrap and stuck it in the fridge while I mixed the frosting.

So far, so good.

Only problem was, I couldn't find a frosting recipe on the internets for which I had all the correct ingredients, so I decided to wing it. I figured if I used half the chocolate called for in my chocolate frosting and maybe added a little extra sugar and vanilla I would have vanilla frosting with a hint of cocoa.

I was wrong.

The frosting was horrible. Terrible. Really, really bad.

So I said fuck a few times and started over.

I ended up mostly following the directions for some buttercream frosting and even though it wasn't all that great either, I shmeared it on the first layer of fucking cake.

Then I shmeared some more fucking frosting on the second layer of fucking cake.

Then I put the third fucking layer of cake on top and wiped the sweat and chocolate from my brow as any self-respecting melodramatic baker would do.

I decided now would be a good time to take the chocolate out of the refrigerator since it had been in there for a good hour and a half or so and I had to leave in....oh, about an hour and a half or so, and I was still in my pajamas.

I pulled out the chocolate and started breaking it up but the fucking asshole chocolate started melting in my hands because, apparently, it wasn't actually set, so I put the fucking chocolate back in the fucking refrigerator and sulked for thirty fucking minutes.

After my thirty minute sulk I made the chocolate frosting and decided I didn't give a fuck if the chocolate wanted to be melty or not so I crushed it up some more, spread the frosting on the fucking cake, threw the chocolate at it, and declared it done.

Oh, and then I put fucking candles on top of the fucking cake. Because I didn't do any of this for me, I did it for some unappreciative 17-year-old who would have been perfectly happy to have a cake from the fucking grocery store.

And that, my friends, is the story of how I came to hate cake and chocolate and birthdays and cake. It is the story of how my houseplants learned the word fuck, and it is the story of why my stubborn ass will never ever again bake another fucking birthday cake ever again. Because I fucking hate cake.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I Went to Burgatory and it was Beautiful: A Review

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably know I spent some time in the car last weekend to experience the world's best burger.

The world's best burger lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Monday, March 10, 2014

3 Green Meals for St. Patrick's Day

Saint Patrick's Day is approaching and, sure, you could have the traditional corned beef and cabbage dinner with some green beer for dessert, but let's face it; after you've puked all that up in an alleyway once or twice and been arrested wearing flashing green shamrock glasses and a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirt, you just might want to take it easy this year. If that's the case, read on for my three ideas for green Saint Patrick's Day meals that probably won't make you barf.

Idea #1: Pesto

Start with a green salad.

Wash it down with a festive beverage. Ignore any signs of radioactivity.

Serve pesto and fettuccine as the main course. Secretly dye the pasta water green so your noodles look extra cool in pictures.

Finish the meal with a delightful bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream that you most definitely did not have to buy twice because you bought cheap stuff the first time and then realized it wasn't actually green and had to go back to the store.

Idea #2: Fruit Salad

Get in touch with your inner Martha Stewart and make a fruit salad comprised of all the green fruits you can think of--specifically kiwis, green grapes, Granny Smith apples, and honeydew melon.

For an extra-special presentation, top with yogurt or the green sauce of your choice.

Just to let you know, this isn't my preferred dish as it involves slicing a honeydew melon which is unnervingly similar to a pumpkin on the inside and you all know how I feel about pumpkins.

Idea #3: Mexican

I don't think Saint Patrick's Day is widely celebrated south of the border, but I could be wrong, and just in case, we're going to eat a whole heapload of green Mexican foods. Like chips and salsa.

Or chips and guacamole.

And then a green burrito/wrap thing.

With a margarita.

Bonus Idea #4:

In case your inner Martha Stewart is on the fritz, you can eat split pea soup and lime sherbert, straight out of the tub.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

P.S. If you have a post-puking mugshot of you wearing flashing shamrock glasses and a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirt, please send me the pics!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Ikea Haul Part 2: Not the Groceries

As you may have heard, I recently ventured to Ikea and purchased a variety of exotic Swedish junk food. I also purchased some snazzy kitchen stuff and some things I plan to use for a top-secret surprise party I'm throwing this summer.

The Snazzy Kitchen Stuff:

Funnels. My roommate has this thing against funnels, which has prevented me from obtaining one for the last almost-three-years. I have decided to stop giving a crap what he thinks of funnels and bought two lime green ones. He'll just have to deal. These funnels set me back a whopping 99 cents.

Fruit Garnishing Set. These are also lime green, which automatically makes them awesome. I bought them mostly because they are lime green, but also because they make cool looking zest strips for garnishing fancy food. This set cost $5.99 and seems to be pretty durable.

Pasta Scoop. Sometimes you just need a pasta scoop. Especially a lime green pasta scoop. Especially a 99 cent lime green pasta scoop.

Plate. The most exciting purchase of the day! A white plate! This plate's name is Fargrik. I don't know what that means, but it was only $2.49, so I don't really care.

Frosted Glass. Not going to lie, this isn't actually for my kitchen, but it was in the kitchen department, so it counts. It's going to be a Q-tip holder, because it was $1.99 which is a whole lot cheaper than my roommate's Q-tip holder.

Hurricane Glasses. Just because it's March and there's snow on the ground doesn't mean I can't have some fruity drink with an umbrella in it. These were $2.99 each and are not shown on the Ikea website because they are in the witness protection program. If anyone asks, their names are Ivan and Charlie.

Drinking Glass. I really wish I had gotten more than one of these. I love the shape and the weight and the fact that it was only $1.99. It makes my regular drinking glasses look like total poser wannabes.

Shelf. This is another super-exciting purchase. Unfortunately, it was an absolute failure. I bought it to add an extra shelf to my freezer, but the shelf I wanted to put it on isn't deep enough. I'm not sure what I'll do with this now, but it's pretty nifty so I'm sure I'll think of something. This was $5.99.

The Top Secret Party Gear:

Frame. I bought ten of these, which made my roommate think I was crazy, but I promise, I have a plan for them. I just can't you what that plan is yet. They were 99 cents each.

Mini Galvanized Buckets. These were actually a lot bigger than I was expecting, so I got away with buying the smaller ones. For 79 cents. Nope, not kidding.

Perler Bead Boards. I had no idea Ikea had these. I found them hiding innocently between the stuffed broccoli and the backpacks. I scooped up two so my brother can help me with the super-secret party decorations. These were $2.00 for each set of four boards.

The Other Random Thing I Bought:

Elf Slippers. These are adorable. If they came in my size I would have bought some for myself, but they didn't, so I bought some for my brother instead, and I'm going to make him wear them no matter how cool he thinks he is. Nobody is ever too cool for elf slippers. Especially elf slippers that come from Ikea and only cost $3.99.

What's your favorite thing to shop for at Ikea?

Check out the other half of my Ikea haul here. Spoiler alert: there may be cookies.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Ikea Haul Part 1: The Groceries

I went to Ikea this weekend.

I love Ikea.

Ikea is amazing.

If you've never been to an Ikea you need to pack some trail mix, get in your car, and drive to an Ikea right now.

While you're there, you can buy totally awesome things in their grocery department.

I usually stay away from the food when I go to Ikea, not because it isn't delicious, but because I like food and will inevitably spend $200 on Swedish delicacies I can't pronounce.

However, I am now a food blogger and have an excuse to buy all the delicacies I want. For you.