Thursday, May 29, 2014

Sheetz Fluffer Nutter Smoothie Review

The other day I was pumping gas, minding my own business, when I heard someone calling my name, all soft and seductive-like. Naturally, I was confused, because who the hell would try to seduce this hot mess? But then I saw it. From across the parking lot, glinting in the sun, the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie beckoned me from a lamppost ad.

View of Sheetz Gas Station from Accross the Street

I decided, right then and there, that if the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie wanted me, I wasn't going to let it down. I marched into the gas station and ordered one up. (On the touch screen, because Sheetz is fancy like that.)

Monday, May 26, 2014

Memorial Day Food Porn

Memorial Day Food Spread including burgers, macaroni salad, and iced tea.

Yesterday my roommate and I had our own personal Memorial Day cookout. It was delicious. We dined on macaroni salad....

Giant Bowl of Homemade Macaroni Salad corndogs....

Plate of mini Morning Star veggie corndogs


Two burgers cooking on the grill


Plate of sliced cucumbers and tomatoes

....fruit salad....

Bowl of homemade fruit salad

....and washed it all down with iced tea.

Glass of iced tea

Now, I would love to tell all of you exactly how to recreate this mind-blowingly stupendous meal for yourselves, but my roommate's mother is guarding her macaroni salad recipe with her life, and the fruit salad is my Grammarie's secret recipe, which I am not ready to spread all over the internet. Maybe someday.

Plate of food, bowl of fruit salad, and glass of iced tea.

If you want, I can teach you all how to microwave fake corndogs. Anybody? No? Okay.

Inside Morning Star Vegetarian Corndogs

After dinner we played a highly competitive round of Velcro Ball, which I totally won. Not that we were keeping score or anything, but I totally won. I didn't hurt my shoulder being a showoff at all. Nope. Not me.

Green and purple Velco Ball set

When we were done playing Velcro Ball, we watched the neighborhood bunnies and attempted to admire our peonies without detecting their stench. This is harder to do than one would think. If you don't believe me, I'd be more than happy to send you a bouquet.

Hot Pink Peony Flower Close Up

I am also happy to report that my neighbors got into the holiday spirit and finally mowed their lawn. Whoever had 1pm Sunday in our lawn mowing bet wins five fictitious dollars.

Very tall grass next to short grass

(This is the "before" picture, not the "after," I promise.)

I hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend and used it as an excuse to drink all the iced tea your bladder could hold. I did.

How does your family celebrate Memorial Day? Let me know about your traditions in the comments!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Best Ever Southern Sweet Tea

I usually try not to advertise that I was born on the wrong side of the Dixie line, but no matter how hard I try, my love of sweet tea gives me away time and time again. Where I come from (there's cornbread and chicken) you can find a church dinner every weekend, and I can guarantee there will be two gigantic drink tanks--one for sweet tea and one for "unsweet" tea. (The fact that "unsweet" is a fully acceptable word tells you how close I live to West Virginia.) "Unsweet" tea is utterly repulsive but is the standard beverage order for all your diabetics and dieters. Sweet tea is the best beverage ever. Well, except for chocolate milk and maybe this. Today I'm going to show you how to make a perfect pitcher of southern sweet tea.

First, find some tea. I buy cheap tea because if I bought expensive tea I'd go bankrupt in about a week and a half. I also buy caffeine-free tea because I'd rather not be mistaken for the Energizer bunny. You can get whatever kind of tea you like, but good ol' Lipton is pretty standard.

Next thing you do is boil four cups of water.

While your water is boiling, take twelve teabags out of their pouch. I like to destring my teabags, too, because somehow I think the ink on the tea tag is going to poison me, despite the fact that I chewed on notebook paper when I was a kid. This is a completely unnecessary step for the sane.

When your water is boiling, take it off the heat, add a pinch of baking soda (the secret ingredient--and yes, just a pinch), and toss in your teabags. Cover the pan and let it sit for 20 minutes.

When your timer goes off, fish out your teabags, pour your uber-strong tea into a one-gallon pitcher and add your sweetener. The original recipe calls for 1 1/2 cups of sugar, but that's waaaaaay a lot. Start with one cup and work your way up or down from there. Once you're addicted you'll have to switch to zero-calorie sweetener to prevent yourself from becoming gargantuan; and believe me, you will be addicted.

Here's the sneaky bit: Because nobody can wait all day for an ice-cold glass of sweet tea, speed up the process by dumping a crapton of ice into the pitcher and swirling it around until it melts. Top off the rest with chilled water and serve immediately over ice or store in the fridge.

Now that you have your perfect pitcher of sweet tea, serve it up on your front porch and soak in the summer. Everybody will think you're a gen-u-ine Georgia peach, bless your heart.

I linked up with Eat Drink & Be Mary for Delicious Dish Tuesday and the Orchard Girls for What We Eat Wednesday. Go check them out!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Rice Krispie Treats and More Poop Jokes

Due to the wild popularity of my Poop Muffin Recipe that took the internet by storm and landed me literally dozens of views and a Lifetime movie deal, I thought it was about time I graced you with another post riddled with poop jokes. Yaknow, just in case you were having a shitty day and needed some cheering up.

Instead of muffins, today we'll be making everybody's favorite cereal snack: Rice Krispie Treats! Yaaaaaay! Except that instead of just making Rice Krispie treats (because that would be boring), we're going to make three different super-awesome batches of Rice Krispie Treats. The first batch we'll be making are the "Crackle" treats.

I've always felt like Crackle was the leader of the bunch, possibly because of alphabetical order, but also probably because I like the word crackle. Therefore, I have definitively decided that regular Rice Krispies are Crackle's contribution to the snacking realm.

In case you've been living under a rock and are unfamiliar with the Rice-Krispie-making process, I'ma show you how it's done.

First you melt 1/4 cup of butter, all slow-like so it doesn't burn.

Then you melt 4 cups of mini marshmallows into the melted butter, also all slow-like so it doesn't burn.

Once you have an ooey gooey mess of sugar, dump in 5 cups of Rice Krispies and stir.

Line a pan with parchment paper or buttered tin foil or your credit card bill and squish the warm Rice Krispie goop into the pan. You might want to stick your hand inside a plastic bag before you do the squishing. You might also want to accidentally forget to stick your hand inside a plastic bag before you do the squishing and just eat the stuff that gets stuck to your fingers. (Anyone who watches Dirty Jobs should read this paragraph again and think about Mike Rowe sticking his hand in things and squishing them.)

After all that's done, let it cool for a while and cut it up. Or squirt some whipped cream on top and eat it all yourself. That is also an option.

Now that we've made (and eaten) all of Crackle's Rice Krispie Treats and you've been schooled in the art of Rice Krispie Treat making, it's time to move onto Snap.

Snap, of course, makes Rice Krispie treats with Cocoa Krispies, and for this connection to work I need all of you to imagine a black chick doing the head-waggle thing and going, "Oh snap!" (To anyone offended by that slightly racist joke, please accept my apologies and free Rice Krispie treat, available soon in a Smellavision near you.)

Snap's Rice Krispies are made just like Crackle's Rice Krispies. You melt, you stir, you squish, you eat. Easy peasy.

(Aw crap. I am now the dorky blogger who said easy peasy on the internet. So much for my Lifetime movie.)

At this point, some of you have probably noticed I just showed lumpy brown stuff and didn't make nearly as many off-color wisecracks as you were expecting, especially considering the lumpy brown stuff appears to be covered in a semi-questionable white substance. Worry no more! Now that we've gotten Snap and Crackle's treats out of the way, it's time for Poop's!

(Snap, Crackle, Pop? Pop. Poop. Get it? Hahaha, I'm so clever! *cough*)

Observe: Grape Nut Krispies!

No shit! You saw them here first! Tell your friends! We're going to take that classic sugar-laden, rot-your-teeth, give-you-ADD snack bar and make it into a healthy treat even your grandma would approve!

In case you haven't been initiated yet, allow me to explain to you that Grape Nuts are one of the most versatile pieces of crushed up gravel man has discovered! They're full of protein and fiber (yaknow, for the pooping) and help build strong jaw muscles. Also, Grape Nuts are dentist approved and if you turn in ten or more Grape Nut box tops at your next dental appointment, they'll fix your fractured tooth for half price! (Prices and participation may vary. Ask your dentist for more information about his Nuts.)

You can make these treats just like the previous two variations, but be careful not to breathe too deeply when pouring in the cereal because you might inhale a Grape Nut pebble and if that gets lodged up your nose it will disintegrate and quickly make its way into your bloodstream which will cause you to start pooping before you can finish pressing these shit bricks into the pan. Stay alert and don't forget to use protection. Unexpired protection.

If Grape Nut Krispies aren't your thing, you can always make like The Other Woman and sprinkle a generous helping of Miralax into regular Rice Krispies for similar results; just make sure you stock up on the Charmin first.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a Mamrie Hart tribute:

Now that you've made your delicious Rice Krispie treats, reread this and eat one every time I make a terrrrible poop joke.

(By the way, just to clear up any lingering suspicion that may be floating around on the internets, I do not have a fiber issue. I just like poop jokes. And wiener jokes. And pretty much anything else that would deeply offend my mother.)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Brand Wars: Ketchup

Ketchup is the greatest vegetable known to mankind. It has a multitude of uses, including topping hamburgers, smothering fries, and coating weiners. Heck, in some parts of the country we serve it up for breakfast with a side of eggs and some toast. (This is the American variation of the classic British breakfast--we just replace the fried tomato with ketchup and toss it down on a sticky diner table next to some day-old black coffee.)

Since ketchup is such an integral part of US culture, my roommate and I took it upon ourselves to determine which ketchup rises above all the others and proves itself to be king of condiments.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Doritos Jacked Test Flavors (SPOILER ALERT!)

I heard from everybody's favorite Fat Guys that Doritos had launched a few new flavors this summer. The spiffy marketing twist is that, like the white Air Head and cafeteria glop, these are mystery flavors. They are differentiated only by the color of the bag and the "Test Flavor Number" taunting you from store shelves.

Obviously, when Doritos (which are, like, the fourth best chip in the universe--especially the Spicy Sweet Chili ones) get all interesting, I have to try them. Thus, I forced my roommate to go out and buy ALL THE DORITOS. He came back with two out of the three because, as it turns out, the blue bag isn't vegetarian-friendly. Not cool, Doritos.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Your Mom Wants You to Make Lemon Cupcakes

Mother's Day is coming up in, like, three days. That means you have three days to come up with some magnificent way to tell your mom you love her.

Tell her with cake.

Everybody knows food speaks louder than words (especially beans....beans speak very loudly), so what better way to tell your mom "thanks for putting up with me" than with fresh lemony cupcakes buried under mounds of fresh lemony frosting? Trick question. There is no better way.

Okay, maybe a free trip to Paris, but we're broke, so cupcakes it is.

This recipe was originally posted by FriedBlueTomato on It is by far the best from-scratch cake recipe I've ever tried. I didn't drop an F-bomb once.

3 cups flour
1 tbs baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
Zest of 3-4 lemons
1 cup milk
3 tbs lemon juice

2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup powdered sugar
1 1/2 tbs lemon juice
Yellow food dye (optional)

1. Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

2. Beat butter and sugar together until fluffy. Do not mistake for a kitten.

3. Add eggs one at a time, beating thoroughly after each addition.

4. Mix in the vanilla and lemon zest.

5. Gently beat in approximately 1/3 of the flour mixture, then half the milk, and half the lemon juice. Gently beat in another 1/3 of the flour mixture, the rest of the milk, and the rest of the lemon juice. Gently beat in the rest of the flour until just combined. Don't abuse your batter.

6. Spoon into a muffin tin lined with pretty cupcake papers and bake at 375 for 17-20 minutes until your house smells good and stabbing your muffins with a toothpick does not result in lemony bloodsplatter everywhere. Lick the bowl. No, seriously. Do it.

7. Let your cupcakes cool in the pan while you whip up some frosting.

8. To make frosting, beat the heavy cream until it starts to thicken. Gradually add in 3/4 cup of powdered sugar and 1 1/2 tbs lemon juice. Keep beating until your arm falls off or mixture gets all thick and frosting-like. Add yellow food coloring for extra lemony emphasis.

9. Let the cupcakes finish cooling on a wire rack and then frost until beautiful.

If cake making isn't really your thing, you can also bring your mother flowers (cliche!) or spend a whole crapton of time giving your younger siblings noogies until they agree to do a photo shoot with you, and then spend a whole other crapton of time going through the photos and cropping them and editing them and printing them and then arranging them in a little album.

Since I opted for the latter option and would hate for all my craptons of time to go unappreciated, here's a sneak peek at our highly unprofessional photo shoot.

Also, just because I love you guys, here's the JPG for the album cover in case you want to make one for your mom. I printed this up at 4.5x6.25" to fit our album, but you can stretch it and skew it any way necessary, just right-click and "Save As."

Happy Mother's Day!

I shared this recipe in Eat Drink & Be Mary's Delicious Dish Tuesday Linkup. Go check her out!
Eat Drink & Be Mary