Thursday, July 31, 2014

Oatmeal Scotties

My roommate's friend has the balls to question the earth-shattering awesomeness of my oatmeal raisin cookies. This friend has requested (the nerve) a batch of Oatmeal Scotties for comparison.

Now, I'm half tempted to poison them, just because I can, but I'll be damned if I can't make the best freaking batch of Oatmeal Scotties to ever exist.

And where do you go when you're looking for the best ever Oatmeal Scotties recipe? Nestle. Duh.

Before I go telling you these things are phenomenally awesome, they're not. They're okay. They're really, really, really, really sugary. Like, really sugary. But if sugar coated sugar is your thing, maybe you'll like these.

At any rate, I'm fairly confident my good old oatmeal raisin cookies are going to thwart the opposition yet again, but just in case they don't, here's the recipe.

1 1/4 cup flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cups quick oats
1 1/2 cups traditional oats
11oz Nestle Butterscotch Morsels


1. Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon.

2. In a separate bowl, beat together butter and sugars.

3. Add eggs and vanilla to butter mixture.

4. Mix flour mixture into butter mixture.

5. Stir oats and butterscotch chips into dough.

6. Scoop dough out in tablespoonfuls. Bake at 375 for 10 minutes.

Makes, like, 50 absurdly sweet cookies.

P.S. Yes, I pronounce it "scotties" instead of "scotchies." Deal with it.

Monday, July 28, 2014

What I Ate: First Day of School Edition

Guys, today was my first day of school. Ever.

This week I'm taking a four-day Student Development seminar, which ordinarily would have been a mandatory one-credit sixteen-week course but is now a four-day week of educational craziness.

I now know what the Cornell Method is, if anyone was wondering.

Since I didn't have a lot of time for cookie baking this weekend, what with cram-reading the whole textbook and all, today I'm going to show you what I ate.

For breakfast I had a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Because, yaknow, cinnamon. And sugar. And crunch.

For lunch I ate most of a fake turkey sandwich and some Garden Salsa Sun Chips, which, if you have not yet experienced, needs to become your number one priority. The Sun Chips. Not the fake turkey. The fake turkey sucks. The Sun Chips are delicious.

My roommate bought me pizza for dinner, mostly because he just really wanted pizza, but who am I to say no to cheese-drenched carbs? Nobody, that's who. Besides. I hear college kids are supposed to eat a lot of pizza, and I'm just trying to fit in.

Right now I am sipping on a celebratory root beer float because on my first day of school I did not get an embarrassing nickname (unlike Willi-with-an-I), nobody tried to give me a wedgie, and I did not hide under the stairs and have a panic attack, which, as far as I'm concerned, means today was a successful first day of school.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Limeade Oreo Review and Rants About Leprechauns

Guys, you know I love Oreos. I've talked about them a time or two on this here blog. I follow the Fat Guys mostly because they love Oreos, and I follow Greg Miller exclusively because he loves Oreos.

These are not Oreos.

I don't know what the fuck they are, but they are not Oreos.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Oreo Cream Pie



And also, pie:

But not just any pie. No, this is Oreo Cream Pie, the greatest of all the pies. Well, okay, maybe not the greatest of all the pies. Maybe, like, the second greatest, because, yaknow, apple. And maybe pumpkin. Because Thanksgiving wouldn't exist without pumpkin pie. So let's say the third greatest of all the pies.

Don't let it's third-place status fool you, though. This pie is delicious. I've been looking forward to it all week. My coworkers were all like, "So, Katie, what are you doing with your Saturday off?" And I was all, "Sitting on my couch. Eating pie." And my coworkers were all, "Who are you, Homer Simpson?" And I was all, "Shut up or I won't share my pie."

And then they shut up. Because nobody messes with this pie.

(Actually, no, not really. They did call me Homer Simpson, but I didn't offer to share my pie. They're not pieworthy. Very few people are pieworthy.)

So how do you make this glorious circle of pieness, you ask? I'll tell you how. You get your ingredients.

And then you squish some of your ingredients.

And then you put your other ingredients in a bowl and squish them together.

And then you add the squishy ingredient into the other squished ingredients.

And then you pour it into an Oreo pie shell and sprinkle leftover squishedness on top.

Then you stick the whole shibang in the freezer for, like, some hours....or however long you can stand to wait before pulling it out and devouring it, which may be considerably less than some hours.

And then you eat it. Potentially all by yourself. Because Oreo Cream Pie is awesome.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here are the actual directions....

Approximately 10-ish Oreos
3oz cream cheese
2 tbs sugar
1/2 cup Half-and-Half
8oz Cool Whip
1 Oreo cookie pie shell

What You Do:

1. Whirl maybe, like, sevenish of your Oreos around in a food processor until they're nice and crumbly. You're looking for one full cup of Oreos, so you may have to add or take away (read: eat) based on how accurate my Oreo counting skills are.

2. Squish up your three ounces of cream cheese with the sugar. Do not accidentally use a full 8oz package. That would be bad.

3. Pour the Half-and-Half into the cream cheese and mix.

4. Stir in the Cool Whip.

5. Stir in the Oreo crumbs.

7. Pour into the pie shell.

8. Top with chopped up Oreos. Not crushed Oreos. I may have gotten ahead of myself and crushed up too many Oreos, which I then threw on top of the pie because I figured, hey, they're Oreos, they'll be delicious no matter what. I did not take into consideration the fact that crushed up Oreos kind of look like crap. For a minute or two I considered going back to the store and buying more stuff to make another Oreo pie, but I'm pretty sure the people at the grocery store are about ready to start calling me the Crazy Oreo Chick, so I decided to hold my horses and stick with the crappy-looking pie.

9. Throw the whole thing in the freezer, preferably overnight, preferably right next to some Oreo Klondike bars that aren't nearly as good as Oreo Cream Pie. Remove from freezer approximately 15ish minutes before cutting.

Be sure to share this pie only with pieworthy people. Like me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Loaded Doritos from 7-Eleven. Because.

I think I have officially experienced the most American thing to exist, ever.

Loaded Doritos from 7-Eleven.

Box of Loaded Doritos

I need you to fully understand this phenomenon.

It comes from the gas station, which we all know is the best place to buy quality food here in 'Merica.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Chipotle Loves Vegetarians: Sofritas Burrito Bowl Review

Dudes, this bag makes me happy.

Chipotle Bag with George Saunders quote about free food

Not just because it's always a good read, but also because it also holds the secrets of the universe and salsa.

Well, okay, maybe not the secrets of the universe, but definitely salsa. Always salsa. Don't even try to go to Chipotle and not get salsa, because that is not okay. (Unless you're going to Chipotle to get guacamole, in which case it's probably okay. I wouldn't know because avocados kind of freak me out a little bit.)

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Embrace Your Inner Redneck with Budweiser's Beergaritas

All across America there are small communities that gladly welcome toilet bowl flower pots, soda bottle bird feeders, and soup can windchimes. They pass their time watching Nascar and yelling at their cousin-brothers to skooch the house back onto the cinderblocks before the next twister comes through. These communities are called trailer parks, and stretching out across the nation you'll find them happily populated by women whose beauty routine consists of throwing some rollers in their hair and lighting a cigarette, men whose Tweetie Bird tattoos span across their enormous hairy bellies, and kids everywhere chasing down squirrels to eat for dinner.

Luckily, Budweiser has given us suburbians and city folk the opportunity to become Trailer Trash too, thanks to their new Beergaritas. Go ahead, take off your bra, black out a tooth, and pop open one of these refreshing redneck beverages.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Fire Roasted Corn and Sloppy Joe Potato Chips

The other day I was wandering through my backyard corn field, surveying the hail damage, when I caught glimpse of a sliver of foil gleaming in the sun. Stepping closer, I scratched my head. It couldn't be. But there it was. Nestled among the stalks, a bag of Fire Roasted Sweet Corn chips had sprouted.

Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Potato Chips in a Corn Field

I plucked the bag from its place in the garden and battled my way past the pumpkin plants to take it inside. Still as unbelievable as could be, the bag sat seductively on the kitchen counter.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Brand Wars: Sprite vs. Sierra Mist vs. 7UP

In case you don't remember, last year we pitted Pepsi against Coke in the very first Brand War of all time. Pepsi won. Coca-Cola has since called for a rematch and today we will be blindly testing Sprite, Sierra Mist, and 7UP to see which refreshing citrus beverage takes home the gold.

Instead of hemming and hawing (which, by the way, is a term now in my vocabulary, thanks to my new job in West Virginia) I'm just going to jump right in.