Monday, April 14, 2014

6 Different Ways to Dye Easter Eggs

Dudes! It's almost Easter! Set your bunny traps! (Did you know that once a year, on Easter Eve, the Easter Bunny lays a chocolate egg and if anyone catches him in the act they are granted three wishes? Well, now you do. Consider yourself educated.)

Thanks to the impending holiday, I'm sure you've been concerned about your kitchen reeking of vinegar since St. Patrick's Day when it reeked of cabbage and green beer. It's a tradition, after all, to fill our houses with the scent of vinegar so we can decorate eggs from the dyes in the flat cardboard box at the grocery store which oh-so-thoughtfully ensures that all of everybody's eggs look exactly like all of everybody else's eggs.

Sure, you might be one of those fancy people who dips their eggs in two different dyes for some spiffy gradient action or maybe you go nuts with the white crayon before attempting to dye an egg red and having it turn out pink, but really, really, at the end of the day, your eggs look just like everybody else's eggs.

Worry no more! This Easter you and your eggs can stand out as the truly original and stupendous people you are (that's right, I said it, eggs are people too) with these six ideas for fresh new fun exciting egg decorating techniques that will set you apart from the masses and prove once and for all that you are a unique snowflake, damnit.

Idea #1: Kool-Aid Eggs

Save yourself some time and boil your eggs in Kool-Aid for one-and-done egg dyeing. Sure, all your eggs will be the same color, but that's okay, because they all started the same color, so making them look different would upset the status quo and lead to a lot of gang violence.

Idea #2: Glitter Glue Eggs

Make your eggs dazzle with glitter glue swirlies. And non-swirlies. And unidentifiable piles that may have originally been an attempt to draw a bunny. Your inner kindergartener will love this new style of egg decorating and you can use the leftover glitter glue to make some awesome temporary tattoos for you and your friends.

Idea #3: Sharpies

Screw dyeing altogether and test out your creativity with some hand-drawn egg designs. Feel free to turn your eggs into monsters, butterflies, or abstract (read: crappy) works of art using only markers. While you could also use the Sharpies in conjunction with your glitter glue tattoos, I recommend buying a paper bag to wear over your head before making such a long-term statement with your body art.

Idea #4: Stickers

Go ahead, embrace your slacker side. Instead of fussing with all those dyes and colors and high-effort decorating techniques, try stickers! Stickers come in a wide variety of designs, including flowers, bugs, racecars, and cartoon characters. I, however, chose to take a fancier approach and am currently waiting for my egg monocle to arrive from Amazon.

Idea #5: Blow Paint

Give your eggs a blow job this Easter! Dip straws in acrylic paint (or finger paint or house pant....watercolors not recommended), point them in the general direction of your eggs, and blow! Your eggs will be covered in lovely splatters and speckles in no time at all--you'll probably have energy leftover for an actual blowjob after!

Idea #5: Glowing Eggs

Now, I know you're all thinking I just bailed on the whole egg-making thing at this point, but you're wrong! (I did have to take a slight detour--if you know what I mean--after the previous batch of eggs, but I'm back now.) All you have to do for these eggs is cover them in a layer of glow-in-the-dark spray paint and then let them do their thang. As a bonus, you can save these eggs to light up your refrigerator should that little light bulb ever go out.

Disclaimer: I don't recommend actually eating any of these eggs (except maybe the Kool-Aid ones) and I accept no responsibility for any harm that comes to you or your loved ones due to you eating these eggs. However, if you get any unbelievable superpowers and you want to use them for good, that was totally my fault and part of my master plan. You can mail my check.

Happy Easter!

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