Monday, March 24, 2014

Brand Wars: Twizzlers vs. Red Vines

Okay, we's just gonna cut to the chase this time.

Twizzlers are awesome.

Twizzlers are the King of the strawberry twist empire.

If you like Red Vines you should probably leave now.

Don't get me wrong, we totally did the brand war, with the blind taste test and everything. (Well, was pretty obvious which was which.)

The three of us (me, my brother, and my roommate) rated each of our three contenders (Twizzlers, Red Vines, and Target-brand knockoff Twizzlers) based on three criteria (texture, flavor, and ability to be used as a straw.) Here are the results:

Subject C, the horrible disgusting Red Vines were voted softest bite, thanks to their very large hole (insert dirty joke here) and the fact that our Twizzlers were stale. We decided their taste was most decidedly different from the other two, and while it tasted sweeter, it also kind of tasted like play dough.

Subject B, the imposter Twizzlers ala Target, were a little difficult to bite into but softened up quickly. They tasted chemically and had a less-than-fantastic aftertaste, but my brother liked these ones the best.

Subject A, the glorious Twizzlers themselves, were dreamy. Stale, but dreamy. They didn't taste like playdough or chemical waste (like the Red Vines), and they didn't have an aftertaste (like the imposters). There is absolutely no doubt that Twizzlers are the best strawberry licorice candy ever.

After the taste test, we commenced testing for the best straw replacement.

Subject A was a little tight (aherm) but delicious (aherm).

Subject B didn't even have a hole (aherm) and we couldn't get anything out of it, no matter how hard we sucked (aherm).

Subject C clearly had the biggest hole (aherm) and was quite easy (coughslutcough) to drink through.

Despite superior suckability, the Red Vines still failed our brand war and looked on in misery as we awarded Twizzlers the gold. We then proceeded to eat all the Twizzlers and the Red Vines have been sitting on the counter untouched ever since. They will be thrown away as soon as I can do so due to "staleness" and not "these are disgusting and I totally wasted my money."

Also, if cost means anything to you, I can inform you that the Twizzlers and Red Vines both cost 11 cents per ounce and the knockoff Twizzlers cost 9 cents per ounce, but really, you can't put a price on quality like Twizzlers. (This pricing information may or may not be entirely correct as I bought the Twizzlers at Walmart and the Red Vines and "candy twists" at Target.)

What do you want to see in the next episode of Brand Wars? Vote in the comments!


  1. This is a vile desecration of the true meaning of flavor, a disgrace made of the clearly superior Red Vines. I can not stand for such debauchery. This is a violation of humanity's very existence, as we are all just the culmination of the chemicals and atoms within us, which also happen to live on the same plane as all of these licorice brands. Defiling the name of any of them would be blasphemous, but soiling the Red Vine name with such a biased review of it's flavor will not go unpunished. Expect representatives from the court of Red Vine at your door in the coming days. Watch your Twizzlers. It will only be a matter of time.