Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Brach's Crazy Candy Corn Review

Remember last year when we decided that things that taste like candy corn are very bad? This is totally different. This is candy corn that tastes like things. Completely new concept.

This year Brach's has unveiled four different kinds of crazy candy corn: Pumpkin Spice (of course), Caramel, S'mores, and Caramel Macchiato. All of these flavors proclaim they are "made with real honey," which seems a little weird to me since I don't know many people who make a habit of squirting honey into their pumpkin spice lattes. But hey, what do I know?

A lot. I know a lot.

These things are terrible. Like, really bad. Not quite as bad as candy corn M&Ms, but still, pretty disgusting.

The pumpkin spice candy corn, which I was stupid enough to try first (after being stupid enough to buy them, which is pretty damn stupid), tasted like a cheap candle. Go ahead, yank off a chunk of wax from a dollar store "Autumn Breeze" candle and it'll taste exactly like this. Actually, it'll probably taste better, since that won't have "real honey" in it.

Moving on to Test Subject B, I was excited to discover that they really did smell like s'mores. Brach's got the chocolate-marshmallow-graham-cracker-campfire scent down pat. They did not, however, figure out how to make these taste like s'mores. The honey was more prominent in these, but it was honey mixed with really weird cheapass chocolate and maybe a little liquid smoke. They did not taste like s'mores.

Next up we have the caramel flavored candy corn.

Here's my first beef about caramel flavored candy corn: you can't call it caramel corn. There's already caramel corn (and it's a hell of a lot better than this caramel corn), so calling this stuff caramel corn is confusing. Also, why didn't they make caramel corn candy corn? Because that would have been awesome.

The caramel candy corn was not entirely repulsive. It was crazy sweet and super buttery, but somehow the sugar and butter never really got together and turned into caramel. They were just both....there. Oh, yeah, and so was the honey. There was a lot of freaking honey in this stuff. Like, a lot of freaking honey. I don't have anything against honey, but don't put honey in my caramel. That's indecent.

Finally, we have caramel macchiato candy corn, which is completely different from the caramel candy corn. Probably because you can't taste the butter. Or honey. Or corn. (Side note: how the heck did we decide this stuff was corn???? It doesn't look like corn to me. Corn looks like this.) Want to know what this stuff does taste like? Coffee. Really, really, really sweet coffee. Not coffee with caramel in it, not coffee with honey in it, just coffee with forty-seven sugar packets in it. (Will someone please go put forty-seven sugar packets in some coffee and let me know if it tastes like this? Thanks.)

You know, I bet if Brach's could get a Starbucks deal for the caramel macchiato corn, it'd become the next craze. But since that ship seems to have sailed (due to the obvious lack of a Starbucks logo on the front of the bag), I think these will probably flop just like the rest of them.

Do you like candy corn? Do you like crazy candy corn? What flavor do you think they should try next year?


  1. I don't think I could deal with flavored candy corn! My mouth would expect the real thing.

  2. My teeth my hurt. I might have to skip these!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. My estimate was off a little bit then....oh well! :-)

  4. If you set out to make me think today; mission accomplished! I really like your writing style and how you express your ideas. Thank you. ORIGINAL LOGOs

  5. Pizzeria makes perfect sense that Chicago would be the origin of the heartiest of all pizza variants, baked on a high-sided pan to promote the development of a crust that would accommodate a really staggering payload of cheese and toppings. pizza near me delivery

    Location: karachi, Pakistan
    Phone Orders: (021) 111 981 111
    Email Orders: info@pizzeria.com.pk
    WhatsApp: +92 311 1981111"