Monday, February 10, 2014

You Can't Make Pink Peppermint Bark Candy for Valentine's Day

This is super-mega complicated. I don't think you can do it.

First of all, there are a lot of very difficult-to-procure ingredients.

You should probably quit now. There is absolutely no way you will be able to find white chocolate chips and Andes Peppermint Crunch baking chips. Not even in the baking aisle at Walmart. Nope. Absolutely cannot find all of these ingredients.

You also won't be able to ghetto-rig a double boiler using common kitchen items.

Even if you managed to get this far, you will probably screw up by putting too much water in your pan and scorching the chocolate. After all, nobody ever told you to only put, like, an inch of water in the pan. Because you don't have that vital piece of information you should forget all about this candy and just go buy some conversation hearts.

No matter how hard you try, you will definitely not be able to liquify 2 cups of white chocolate over low heat. That's some kind of magic, and let's face it, there's nothing special about you.

You also aren't going to be able to stir 1 cup of peppermint chips into the white chocolate.

They won't melt together and turn pink. That would be magic too, and we already established you can't do magic.

Possibly the most impossible step of all would be spreading pink sugaryness over a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper. Even if you used a half-sized cookie sheet this would be impossible.

You probably can't sprinkle another 1/2 cup of peppermint chips over the top of the pink chocolate. That is an outrageously unattainable expectation.

I promise your freezer doesn't want you to make this. It works hard enough already keeping your frozen pizzas cold and will refuse to chill your candy for 30 minutes. Cut it some slack, okay? You wouldn't want your freezer to go on strike, would you?

Even if you followed all of the instructions exactly, it will not look like this.

You will not be able to break it up into itty bitty little pieces.

You can't find 4"x9" clear treat bags.

You will waste precious seconds of your life downloading these bag toppers. You'll waste even more seconds trying to decide if you want to use these bag toppers instead. You're already old enough; you don't have any seconds to spare.

Even if you were able to make this candy against the insurmountable odds, I have zero faith in your ability to fold over the top of the bags and staple them closed. Zero faith.

You also aren't artistically capable enough to staple the bag toppers onto the bags. Who do you think you're kidding?

This recipe definitely doesn't make 40-ish pieces of candy. Definitely doesn't. Don't think it does, because it doesn't.

And that's the story of how you didn't make adorable Valentine's Day candy.

The end.

No comments:

Post a Comment