Monday, May 19, 2014

Rice Krispie Treats and More Poop Jokes

Due to the wild popularity of my Poop Muffin Recipe that took the internet by storm and landed me literally dozens of views and a Lifetime movie deal, I thought it was about time I graced you with another post riddled with poop jokes. Yaknow, just in case you were having a shitty day and needed some cheering up.

Instead of muffins, today we'll be making everybody's favorite cereal snack: Rice Krispie Treats! Yaaaaaay! Except that instead of just making Rice Krispie treats (because that would be boring), we're going to make three different super-awesome batches of Rice Krispie Treats. The first batch we'll be making are the "Crackle" treats.

I've always felt like Crackle was the leader of the bunch, possibly because of alphabetical order, but also probably because I like the word crackle. Therefore, I have definitively decided that regular Rice Krispies are Crackle's contribution to the snacking realm.

In case you've been living under a rock and are unfamiliar with the Rice-Krispie-making process, I'ma show you how it's done.

First you melt 1/4 cup of butter, all slow-like so it doesn't burn.

Then you melt 4 cups of mini marshmallows into the melted butter, also all slow-like so it doesn't burn.

Once you have an ooey gooey mess of sugar, dump in 5 cups of Rice Krispies and stir.

Line a pan with parchment paper or buttered tin foil or your credit card bill and squish the warm Rice Krispie goop into the pan. You might want to stick your hand inside a plastic bag before you do the squishing. You might also want to accidentally forget to stick your hand inside a plastic bag before you do the squishing and just eat the stuff that gets stuck to your fingers. (Anyone who watches Dirty Jobs should read this paragraph again and think about Mike Rowe sticking his hand in things and squishing them.)

After all that's done, let it cool for a while and cut it up. Or squirt some whipped cream on top and eat it all yourself. That is also an option.

Now that we've made (and eaten) all of Crackle's Rice Krispie Treats and you've been schooled in the art of Rice Krispie Treat making, it's time to move onto Snap.

Snap, of course, makes Rice Krispie treats with Cocoa Krispies, and for this connection to work I need all of you to imagine a black chick doing the head-waggle thing and going, "Oh snap!" (To anyone offended by that slightly racist joke, please accept my apologies and free Rice Krispie treat, available soon in a Smellavision near you.)

Snap's Rice Krispies are made just like Crackle's Rice Krispies. You melt, you stir, you squish, you eat. Easy peasy.

(Aw crap. I am now the dorky blogger who said easy peasy on the internet. So much for my Lifetime movie.)

At this point, some of you have probably noticed I just showed lumpy brown stuff and didn't make nearly as many off-color wisecracks as you were expecting, especially considering the lumpy brown stuff appears to be covered in a semi-questionable white substance. Worry no more! Now that we've gotten Snap and Crackle's treats out of the way, it's time for Poop's!

(Snap, Crackle, Pop? Pop. Poop. Get it? Hahaha, I'm so clever! *cough*)

Observe: Grape Nut Krispies!

No shit! You saw them here first! Tell your friends! We're going to take that classic sugar-laden, rot-your-teeth, give-you-ADD snack bar and make it into a healthy treat even your grandma would approve!

In case you haven't been initiated yet, allow me to explain to you that Grape Nuts are one of the most versatile pieces of crushed up gravel man has discovered! They're full of protein and fiber (yaknow, for the pooping) and help build strong jaw muscles. Also, Grape Nuts are dentist approved and if you turn in ten or more Grape Nut box tops at your next dental appointment, they'll fix your fractured tooth for half price! (Prices and participation may vary. Ask your dentist for more information about his Nuts.)

You can make these treats just like the previous two variations, but be careful not to breathe too deeply when pouring in the cereal because you might inhale a Grape Nut pebble and if that gets lodged up your nose it will disintegrate and quickly make its way into your bloodstream which will cause you to start pooping before you can finish pressing these shit bricks into the pan. Stay alert and don't forget to use protection. Unexpired protection.

If Grape Nut Krispies aren't your thing, you can always make like The Other Woman and sprinkle a generous helping of Miralax into regular Rice Krispies for similar results; just make sure you stock up on the Charmin first.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a Mamrie Hart tribute:

Now that you've made your delicious Rice Krispie treats, reread this and eat one every time I make a terrrrible poop joke.

(By the way, just to clear up any lingering suspicion that may be floating around on the internets, I do not have a fiber issue. I just like poop jokes. And wiener jokes. And pretty much anything else that would deeply offend my mother.)


  1. My mom always used to make Grape Nut Custard Pudding, which I love, so I will give those treats a try!