Monday, May 12, 2014

Doritos Jacked Test Flavors (SPOILER ALERT!)

I heard from everybody's favorite Fat Guys that Doritos had launched a few new flavors this summer. The spiffy marketing twist is that, like the white Air Head and cafeteria glop, these are mystery flavors. They are differentiated only by the color of the bag and the "Test Flavor Number" taunting you from store shelves.

Obviously, when Doritos (which are, like, the fourth best chip in the universe--especially the Spicy Sweet Chili ones) get all interesting, I have to try them. Thus, I forced my roommate to go out and buy ALL THE DORITOS. He came back with two out of the three because, as it turns out, the blue bag isn't vegetarian-friendly. Not cool, Doritos.

I decided to make a flavor prediction before I even opened the bag. Based solely on color, I decided the orange bag would be a cheesy-onion-mustard thing and the red ones would be a siracha/salsa spicy-tomato deal.

I was wrong. Mostly.

Upon opening the orange "404" bag I took a giant whiff and they smelled kind of sweet, but I immediately got distracted by the monstrous size of these chips and their rather peculiar color.

After I got over my initial impression, I took a bite. At first I thought maybe they were going for a sweet honey-flavored beef jerky thing, but that really didn't seem right, so I cheated and read the ingredients.

These things contain sugar, more sugar, and half a dozen other flavors that should never be on a chip. Thanks to that information, now these just taste like lime that fell in really vile, spicy dirt. 404 indeed.

When I shoved the bag in my roommate's face for a second opinion he told me they looked like moldy Doritos. Then he tasted them and said they were really mild and he wouldn't buy them again if they were part of the regular line, which is a good thing, because I don't think I'd let these back in my house.

Test Flavor 855 (in the red bag) is hot wing flavored. Emphasis on the hot. I've never actually had hot wings, but based on these chips, I'm pretty sure I could save myself some time and just eat a spoonful of chili powder.

Now, the really crazy thing about these (other than their absurd level of spiciness), is their smell. I took a sniff when I opened the bag and it jarred some sort of confusing childhood memory for me. Seriously, I don't know what the memory is, but I'm pretty sure it involves dirty socks and stale candy, which makes these chips extra-appetizing.

I didn't dig the 855s at all, but at least the flavor made sense to me. My roommate really liked their spiciness, but to me they kind of tasted like fiery butt.

Also! The 855s are an alarming color, known by most of us as Crayola Red Orange. Serve these up with a side of paste and it's Kindergarten all over again.

If you try these (which I don't recommend), let me know what you think! Also, if anybody else has a dirty-socks-and-stale-candy memory from their childhood, feel free to share in the comments!

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