How to Celebrate Valentine's Day When You're Single and Alone

Don't be that desperate chick who sends herself flowers on Valentine's Day so nobody thinks she's desperate. (Unless your self is into that, in which case do what makes your self happy.) Send some chocolates instead and follow these instructions for a lovely Valentine's Day alone.

Start by preparing yourself a fine Italian meal for one.

While your lasagna is in the oven, have some wine.

Don't forget the veggies.

When the food is ready, light a few candles and have a nice romantic dinner by yourself.

Indulge in a fine Italian dessert. Enjoy knowing you don't have to fight over the last bite.

After dinner, stretch out on the couch and watch a movie. Choose a classic romance like The 40 Year-Old Virgin or Zach and Miri Make a Porno. (Netflix. You're welcome.)

Before bed, relax in a warm bath. Catch up on some reading.

In the true spirit of Valentine's Day, be sure to make yourself a morning-after breakfast tomorrow.

Remember, this isn't sad, this is independence! Savor it! One day you'll look back and remember the good old days before you had to worry about your cats smothering you in your sleep. (Don't have any cats yet? Adopt some!)

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies!

You Can't Make Pink Peppermint Bark Candy for Valentine's Day

This is super-mega complicated. I don't think you can do it.

First of all, there are a lot of very difficult-to-procure ingredients.

You should probably quit now. There is absolutely no way you will be able to find white chocolate chips and Andes Peppermint Crunch baking chips. Not even in the baking aisle at Walmart. Nope. Absolutely cannot find all of these ingredients.

You also won't be able to ghetto-rig a double boiler using common kitchen items.

Even if you managed to get this far, you will probably screw up by putting too much water in your pan and scorching the chocolate. After all, nobody ever told you to only put, like, an inch of water in the pan. Because you don't have that vital piece of information you should forget all about this candy and just go buy some conversation hearts.

No matter how hard you try, you will definitely not be able to liquify 2 cups of white chocolate over low heat. That's some kind of magic, and let's face it, there's nothing special about you.

You also aren't going to be able to stir 1 cup of peppermint chips into the white chocolate.

They won't melt together and turn pink. That would be magic too, and we already established you can't do magic.

Possibly the most impossible step of all would be spreading pink sugaryness over a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper. Even if you used a half-sized cookie sheet this would be impossible.

You probably can't sprinkle another 1/2 cup of peppermint chips over the top of the pink chocolate. That is an outrageously unattainable expectation.

I promise your freezer doesn't want you to make this. It works hard enough already keeping your frozen pizzas cold and will refuse to chill your candy for 30 minutes. Cut it some slack, okay? You wouldn't want your freezer to go on strike, would you?

Even if you followed all of the instructions exactly, it will not look like this.

You will not be able to break it up into itty bitty little pieces.

You can't find 4"x9" clear treat bags.

You will waste precious seconds of your life downloading these bag toppers. You'll waste even more seconds trying to decide if you want to use these bag toppers instead. You're already old enough; you don't have any seconds to spare.

Even if you were able to make this candy against the insurmountable odds, I have zero faith in your ability to fold over the top of the bags and staple them closed. Zero faith.

You also aren't artistically capable enough to staple the bag toppers onto the bags. Who do you think you're kidding?

This recipe definitely doesn't make 40-ish pieces of candy. Definitely doesn't. Don't think it does, because it doesn't.

And that's the story of how you didn't make adorable Valentine's Day candy.


The end.

Valentine's Day Cupcakes

This is what cupcake porn looks like:

Hubba hubba.

These cupcakes are absurdly easy, thanks to the lovely people at Duncan Hines who do the first eighty-three steps of cake making for us.

How to Make a Spongebob Oreo Birthday Cake in 19 Easy Steps

Today I'm going to teach you how to make this cake:

We're making this cake because it's somebody's baby brother's NINTH birthday and somebody's baby brother likes Spongebob and Oreos. Somebody's baby brother has excellent taste. He gets that from somebody, you know.

Anywho. Here's what you have to do:

Step 1: Go to Walmart.

Step 2: Procure 2 boxes of vanilla pudding, 3.5 cups of milk, two packages of golden Oreos, 8oz of cream cheese, 12oz of Cool Whip, 1/2 cup of powdered sugar, and one stick of butter (you'll just have to convince your fellow shoppers to chip in for the other three sticks). Do not take pictures of the powdered sugar or butter as this will ruin the whole cake.

Step 3: Find cool looking Happy Birthday letters and cool looking candles and then go into the aquarium section and get a Spongebob figurine and Spongebob's pineapple house but don't tell anybody you got your cake toppings from the aquarium section because they'll probably think that's gross and then they won't eat the cake. On second thought, tell them and then keep all the cake for yourself.

Step 4: Go home and make the Help crush the Oreos into oblivion.

Step 5: While the Help is crushing the Oreos into oblivion, mix together your pudding mixes and the milk.

Step 6: Spoon the Cool Whip onto the pudding.

Step 7: Stir. 

Step 8: Take a break. Eat some Cool Whip. Soften your butter. Eat more Cool Whip. There are leftovers for a reason.

Step 9: Put your butter and cream cheese and sugar in a bowl.

Step 10: Mix.

Step 11: Stir your pudding and Cool Whip mixture into your butter and cream cheese and sugar bowl.

Step 12: Procure a 9x13 baking dish.
Little-known Fact: They call it a 9x13 because it measures 9 inches on the short side and 13 inches on the long side. Mind. Blown.

Step 13: Spoon half of the goop into the dish and spread it out.
 

Step 14: Sprinkle some of the crushed Oreos on top. Use more than this.

Step 15: Spoon on the rest of the goop. Spread it out.

Step 16: Cover the goop with the rest of the Oreos.

Step 17: Use letters to write things. The cake can entertain itself reading these things while you refrigerate it.

Step 18: In the morning decorate with aquarium ornaments and candles. Take a picture of birthday boy's knee.

Step 19: Eat.

And there you have it! A delicious Spongebob Oreo birthday cake in less than 20 steps! What are you waiting for????

(Also, did you see the Spongebob cup photobombing?)

My Roommate's Superbowl Party Dip

So my roommate goes to New York and comes home telling me he had the most amazing dip on earth and that life will never be the same and that he brought the recipe home and I have to try it.

So I tried it.

Honestly, I didn't think it was all that fantabulous but you can try it yourself and tell me what you think.

Ingredients:
1lb ground beef
1 package taco seasoning mix
4 oz sour cream
Tostitos Creamy Spinach Dip
Jarred jalapeno slices

Instructions:

1. Brown your ground beef and add the taco seasoning according to the directions on the package. I used Old El Paso Mild seasoning because it's my favorite, but you can use whatever you like.

2. Stir in 4 oz of sour cream. I is bad at the maths (I'm not a math scientist, after all) so I added 1/2 cup. Seemed logical.

3. Dice up some of the jarred jalapenos and stir them in. I used, like, eight rounds and didn't think it was very hot. My roommate's sister uses three rounds and says it's too spicy. Use your own judgement. (Wimp contests are being held below! Tell me how many jalapenos you used. Biggest wimp wins!)

4. Add half the jar of spinach dip (7 oz).

5. Serve with tortilla chips, warm or chilled.

My roommate claims the only way to know you made it right is if it looks like this:

Go Broncos!

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

You know those peanut butter kiss cookies with the Hershey's Kiss on the top? I don't like those.

These are a million times better.

These peanut butter chocolate chip cookies are a perfect hybrid between peanut butter kiss cookies and chocolate chip cookies. They are soft and pillowy with just the slightest bit of crunch on the outside.

Ingredients:
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup softened butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips

Instructions:

1. Sift together the flour, baking soda, and baking powder. The peanut butter I used (Jif) was very salty all by itself, so adding extra salt was unnecessary. If you think your peanut butter can benefit from some extra sodium, go ahead and add a 1/2 tsp salt.

2. Mix together the butter and sugars.

3. Mix in vanilla, eggs, and  peanut butter.

4. Add the flour mixture and mix until just combined.

5. Stir in the chocolate chips.

6. Scoop tablespoonfuls of dough onto parchment paper on a cookie sheet.

I roll my dough into smooth balls and then squish them a little bit. You can skip this step for taller and more irregularly-shaped cookies.

7. Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes.

8. Cool the cookies on the sheet for a few minutes, then transfer to a cooling rack. Try not to eat them all before they cool.

Makes approximately 40 cookies.