Thursday, July 24, 2014

Limeade Oreo Review and Rants About Leprechauns

Guys, you know I love Oreos. I've talked about them a time or two on this here blog. I follow the Fat Guys mostly because they love Oreos, and I follow Greg Miller exclusively because he loves Oreos.

These are not Oreos.

I don't know what the fuck they are, but they are not Oreos.

These are what happens when an evil leprechaun brigade breaks into the Oreo factory and starts pooping in the Creme and then mass produces millions of tainted cookies just for laughs.

I am not laughing.

First of all, the Oreo packaging is having some kind of a split personality issue, likely because of its PTSD after the whole evil leprechaun thing. We have a cornea corrupting lime green glass of Kool-Aid on the one side and then Easter-grass-green filling on the other side, which in and of itself is confusing enough, and we haven't even tasted these suckers yet.

I wish I hadn't tasted these suckers at all.

Curse you, evil leprechauns.

When you open the package, the green isn't exactly an appetizing shade. It's more of an Army-man-puke green than a delightful-dish-of-lime-sherbert green.

AND! That's the other thing. Why the hell don't these taste like lime sherbert? I want these to taste like lime sherbert. I needed these to taste like lime sherbert. But nooooo, these aren't going to taste like lime sherbert, these are going to taste like lime Jello doused in lime Pixie Sticks with a sprinkle of citric acid burn on top for good measure. Oh, yeah, and cookie. There's some cookie in there too, but not nearly enough to combat the limey leprechaun evilness inside.

I'm really not sure what to do with my life now. My love of all Oreos (except the ones that mysteriously taste like maple syrup) is one of the defining pillars of my personality. Thanks to these Limeade Oreos, there's a crack in that pillar big enough to swallow the Grand Canyon whole, and somehow I feel like that is not structurally stable enough to support my personality. (By the way, in case you were wondering, the other pillars of my personality are Dirty Jokes, Snuggles, and Cheese.) All I know for certain at this point is that the Evil Leprechaun Brigade must be stopped before they destroy all that is delicious in Snackland. I implore you to do your part in stopping this madness by hiding all your Oreos and telling your friends to be on the lookout for little green men pooping in baked goods.

Until next time, I wish you sweet dreams and non-corrupted Oreos.